Below the Chaos
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Saturday, November 21, 2009
I think everyone has been very busy lately. I hope this busyness is the fun kind, and involves lots of fun people.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Good points. Although I do not seem capable of altering my feelings. I can certainly admit to being wrong.
Human beings aren't perfect, and will never be. The End.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
11:05PM
This is the week to be doing things.
And I won't say anything else. It's all been said before, and is only so much hot air.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
This one is a little shorter.
Scenario: I had to drive out of the city this morning for a doctor's appointment. A little crabby at the idea of driving very far very early in the morning for one thing, I said to myself:
Hey, make it an errand run. There's a convenience store nearby, so you can pick up a few items you need. There's also that post office, so you can mail those four books you sold on Amazon.
I prepped everything the night before, set everything out. The torrential downpour was a bit of a drag, but I left on time, traffic wasn't bad at all, and I was a good hour away from Chicago when I realized
Mistake: I had left the books I'd wanted to mail on my floor.
Strangely enough, I wasn't upset or very irritated with myself, like I would have been in the past. But I did keep focusing on it. I'd keep thinking to myself 'Gosh, I should have taken those books to mail them here. It would have been very convenient, especially since the only post office in Chicago I know the location of is downtown, and I'm sure not going to take the L just to mail packages. Gosh, it would have been better to remember the books, more efficient.' And on and on. I had realized the situation was too small to stress, and refused to invest any emotion in it more than a mild 'eh oops oh well'. So my ego (the part that wanted me to be stressed, the part that enjoyed drama) was emotionlessly repeating my error. I couldn't really switch it off, it would just pop back a half hour later.
Resolving It: When I got home I finally tracked down the nearest post office to my apartment (10 blocks) and walked there. No big, though it started pouring again when I was four blocks away from returning home. And I seem to have developed Predator's Taint, but that's another story entirely
So in conclusion:
Problem: Even getting away from the emotional stress of an error, the brain will atempt to fixate by mentally going over the error.
Lesson: Try to remember things better, but also find a way to get rid of the stress head-voice as well as the emotion.
Solution: Steal your roommates' Not For Tourists Chicago map book, find the nearest post office and for the love of God, just take a walk.
Monday, August 24, 2009
And right on cue, the lazy phase is over. :P
I will be calling everyone in Madison I know individually, but in case you read this first...
I am currently subleasing in Chicago on a very brief sublease. But I would like to move to Madison, long-term. The Chicago lease ends September 30th. But if I get a job in Madison sometime in September, I am hoping to move before September 30th. Currently I do not have a job in Madison yet, but I've started the process.
So what I'm asking is, does anybody who I know that is living in the Madison area know of two things:
1) Do you guys have livingspace for one person that would be available for at least 6 months, probably longer?
OR
2) Do you know any individuals you trust who are looking for a roommate for at least 6 months, probably longer?
Craigslist looks fairly promising, but I would rather live with friends, or friends of friends, than total strangers.
Also, I suppose 3) If anyone happens to note any good job opportunities, I would also love to hear about those. Especially jobs that a) Pay decently and b) would teach me a new skill.
Peace, thanks.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I had the Malfeas book on .pdf, and was halfway through it (and absolutely fucking loving it) when my hard drive fried. And while I got a huge chunk of rpg .pdfs from Jeremiah, the Malfeas book wasn't one of them.
Then I found it in a bookstore. A hard copy. And screw me if I wasn't going to buy it. It cost a bit, but I consider it a worthy investment. Like the Daeva book, I barely put it down. I cannot explain why such a horrible place like Malfeas fascinates me. I think it's related to the reason I like Lovecraft so much. Unspeakable horrors, and all that.
Also, I am deeply entertained and amused by these two First circle demon breeds:
Aalu - Basically little bureaucrats, these insects eat books to learn knowledge, then 'write' fully drafted documents of silk by spinning them out like spiders. But the best part is this...they pretty much live in offices, and when an officemate dies, they gather at a sort of wake-party to compose silk-written poems about their dead buddy. Then in the emotional frenzy of consuming each other's poems to read them, they end up eating their dead friend, and the whole thing turns into an orgy. What the hell.
Gethin - They look like feathery salamanders, and are pretty well summarized as spies and treasure-seekers. But whoever draw the concept picture is awesome. He made the Gethin look like muppets. Muppet demons! :D
***
In other news, I am in a bit of a lazy phase right now. But I am not going to be worried about it...either I will start being more productive when I get tired of being lazy, or something will happen that will force me not to be lazy. The important thing is not to rag on myself for getting absorbed in useless, enjoyable activities.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Welcome to the start of my new livejournal "series" Yay, I Screwed Up, wherein I relate an obstacle or fuck-up that occurred in my life, and how I a) fixed it and/or b) learned from the error. Because all my screw-ups teach me something. Even if I would rather have not learned the lesson.
Scenario: So from Costume Techniques class last fall, I acquired this supply of silk-painting stuff...dye, brushes, silk scraps, etc. And I always wanted to do something with them, in the hopes of using the stuff up so I wouldn't have to cart it around. And seeing as I have alot of free time right now (read: temporarily unemployed) I decided to start doing just that. So I brainstormed.
Lessee...some of these silk scraps are covered with patches of dye from testing colors...but I still want to use the silk. Wait! I know! I'll paint mostly in black, so it will cover up the colored patches. Ooh, you know what? I could paint the Ashwood Abbey logo from the Hunter core! Yeah, that's awesome! It'll mostly be black, but there'll be a raven on it, and...ooh, the non-black parts will be red! Awesome. And the next time I visit Beloit, I can offer it to the LARP gms, or someone else! It will be a useful prop!
I spent a good part of my evening painting the silk square red, then tracing the Ashwood Abbey symbol in resist (I printed the logo from the core, which, given my inability to draw well, was a really clever idea). Then I started filling it in with black.
Mistake: And put a big splotch of black exactly where I shouldn't have. Effectively ruining a half-decent image.
I became very frustrated, and had to walk around in circles for a little bit. Even though I realized it wasn't a big deal, it upset me that I'd screwed it up.
Resolving It: I tried to think of ways to fix it. But it was a big splotch of black on a red background, there was no way to paint over it. Then it occurred to me to burn it out. I'd cut the splotch out, then burn the edges, as if the owner had seen fiery battle and gotten his scarf/hanky lit on fire. It wasn't as awesome as the original good logo would have been, but charring out the mistake was the next best thing. I could even burn other patches on the square, for consistency.
And I did. With the aid of a lighter and stick of incense, I played pyromaniac for fifteen minutes. It reminded me of Sophomore year, when Jinx taught me how to burn bullet holes in a shirt with a cigarette. The overall effect doesn't really scream 'firefight' and the square itself is very fragile where it's been burned, but it's much better than when the awkward splotch was there.
So in conclusion...
Problem: I wasn't paying close enough attention, and painted the wrong area on an art project that I'd been fairly painstaking about up until that point.
Lesson: I need to be more careful in the future, and probably work in a space with more light. Also, remind myself that little things like this should not be sweated, such problems are small enough to overcome with little difficulty, and shouldn't weigh on the mind.
Solution: When in doubt, light things on fire.
On a related note, does anyone want a slightly burned square of silk with the Ashwood Abbey logo on it? GMs get first dibs, but if no NPC needs it then I assume there are others who would want it.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sometimes when laying down I feel a rolling sensation, as if I were lying in a tube that was being rocked from side to side.
Sometimes when listening to arguments, I feel as if my feet are sliding apart, and I cannot tell where they are placed on the floor.
Recently, the floor has taken to dropping in and out from under me, as if I was standing in an elevator that had just slid to a stop.
I'll call you when it stops.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Nix the selling thing; I might as well just try to make stuff for myself. I'm like my own portable form (dress dummy). Let's see if I can't lick the fear of going outside in eye-catching clothing. And what's more eye catching than a dress made out sugar sacks, or a skirt covered with circles of polka-dot fabric? I'll add to my wardrobe, and stop worrying about everything needing to be on a hanger. That's what my iron and ironing board are for. I think if I spend more time working on my appearance, I'll feel better about myself. And maybe develop a permanent exercise schedule godammit.
In other news, after work today I'm driving back to Beloit to visit for a couple days. Yay! Three weeks is probably too short to have been reasonably missing the environment, but given that my schedule gets infinitely busier after June 12th, this is probably the last time I can visit before August. I'm kipping with Kristen Jeremiah and Nathan, but I'll try to make the rounds at some point and say hi to everyone.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Other people's insight on their wardrobes very useful. Cool beans. Now I have ideas that will help me, like buying more diverse clothes and *twitch* owning more of them, and *twittch* leaving most of them by the wayside until they are needed.
I shall get over these twitches, and become more fashion-conscious. Tyler Durden would disapprove, but he's hypocritical and looks very snazzy in leather, so forget him.
I shall make room for this slow and (purposefully inexpensive) increase in my wardrobe by killing all of the craft supplies that take up two of my plastic box shelving units. And since I'm not bloody getting rid of this stuff in a timely manner, I'm going to offer things for very modest prices plus mailing expenses.
Unless my camera proves stubborn (or lj won't let me post them) my next post will hopefully be pictures of all the fabric I'm trying to get rid of, and suggestions of what could be made out of them, just for you. Or I could just send you the fabric, but turning it into a something first would be cooler.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Sometimes it's good to confirm things in writing. It's an attempted cure against paranoia.
1. Yes, I've slowed down on my job application process. But since I applied to three places and scheduled a phone interview with one of them for next week, I think I can take it a little easier. I WILL ask the DCT what they mean by ''production internship', and e-mail two professors for recommendation letters, before the day is out.
2. Yes, I went to bed in filthy clothes and woke up early with a sore throat. No, it is probably not strep. If it is strep, it will be dealt with. There are doctors somewhere in this town, and people native to the community who can advise me on which ones are good. Also I have insurance, so chill the hell out. And on the bright side, the sore throat is compelling me it drink lots of 100% cranberry juice, which is good for the body in general.
3. Yes, I weigh more than I want to. Yes, I have been eating less responsibly than I should, due to inexperience with handling an eight-hour work day. That can be changed. Will be changed. And even if all the exercise I do is power walking around Platteville in a big loop, it will be beneficial to some degree.
4. I also can't have strep because that would be detrimental to me visiting Beloit. Which I get to do next weekend, and if something prevents me from seeing my friends in the tiny window of time I have before the shows start opening, the only way I can properly express my anger will be to kill a small animal with my bare hands.
Coming up next, a discussion on personal fashion choices.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
My co-worker and house-mate here in Platteville has a friend, who is apparently in the Street Cast for the Bristol Renaissance Faire this summer. I confess to jealousy. There are few things I will miss more than wandering sunny streets in a weird costume, with the goal of pretending to be somebody else, and making people laugh by doing so. Interacting with people and creating an improvised spectacle.
I'll come back to the Ren. Faire again. But only after I've gained more skills in my desired occupation. And I need to get paid for it. Or have a unreasonably lucrative job, so that I have plenty of money for traveling gas. Money is a necessity, and bills have to come first.
But working in Street last summer resulted in some of the happiest moments of my life. I do not say this lightly. The hours flew, and I forgot where I was--there was nothing about it that felt like drudgery, not even the drudgy parts.
It is perhaps a problem that pretending to be someone else affords me so much good feeling.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I moved into the permanent dorm today (as permanent as 2 1/2 months can be). It's a townhouse, which is cool. It has plenty of living room space and a nice enough kitchen (the giant microwave is also an oven, for some reason). And I only have two housemates, instead of three.
My private little room, however, is tiny and kind of like a prison cell if you look at it from certain angles. An optimistic way of putting it would be 'cozy' but there's not alot of room to walk, and if I hadn't put the bed up on supports I don't know where all my stuff would have fit.
It's cool, though. I'm cool with it for the rest of the summer. And even though it's a five minute walk to the nearest parking lot (where my car is), and a good twenty-minute walk to work, it shouldn't be a bother. Exercise is good. Even when my muscles feel like painful rubber.
I am still worried about getting the next job. I should have planned better...most of the good things I'm qualified for had deadlines back in April, or even January. The others are all over the country. And I need to convince myself not to apply to a specific year-round job, because the deadline is less than a week and it's on the East coast, where I don't want to be. Or should I go where the work is? Grah.
Regardless of whether I get a theatre position immediately after this, or if I have to rent a place and go job-shopping, the important thing is I keep making things. Stay in practice, and don't feel too discouraged.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
I seem to have settled into a state of mood swings.
One minute I'll be all gung ho, thinking 'yes! I am doing good! I am learning things and this is fun and I'm taking care of myself and doing my own thing!'. An hour later it becomes" 'oh god this is gross!' (we're cleaning in the shop) or 'I'm doing bad at this, we're behind schedule and every time I look in the mirror I see a zombie, and I'm all alooooone!'
So yeah. Despite functioning pretty well, my emotional range could stand to be a little less crazy. It's better than in could be, though. I feel like I'm a lot calmer overall. Things that would have filled me with rage two weeks ago now merely make me cringe. It's the new environment, probably. I tend to change for the better in new environments.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
If I ever get an opportunity to speak to a Buddhist monk, this will be my first question:
"How does one do everything in moderation (in order to keep a personal balance and find peace of mind) yet still find excitement in life?"
I'm an excitable sort of person. When I'm worked up or looking forward to something, I'm very very happy. But those times aren't as often as I'd like. Usually I'm at the other extreme, feeling disappointed or scared or angry. It's gone on long enough. I might well give up excitement for a little peace of mind.
Which is ridiculously ironic, because I couldn't find the middle ground if it bit me in the ass. -.-
Monday, May 18, 2009
So I overreacted about the lack of info. What else is new? As it is, all I had to do was find the box office on the campus, and all my job-related questions were answered.
I left Beloit around six am, and got to Platteville around eight-fifteen. I now have room keys, and I know where and when I work. I know the last part because I worked most of the morning. My feet are killing me, and the mountain of fabric bolts isn't anywhere near dead. But onward we plow. And it will be as fun as it is intimidating.
So I graduated. That sounds so messed up when I say it out loud. I did dress in a black t-shirt and pants for commencement, though. It felt better than wearing a dress. Then I handed off my robes, hat & diploma to my leaving folks, and concluded the remainder of my affairs on campus (i.e. packing). Then I had a lovely evening hanging out with people, and slept fitfully in a hotel room until five-thirty am.
Now I'm gonna go back and keep sorting fabric. Then I'll move into my week-long temporary room. Then curl up in a ball and fall asleep. Maybe shower, I dunno. Food is also a maybe. The lazy days are over.
Monday, May 11, 2009
1:09AM
It won't happen again.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
" Livejournal is for shitting into the semi-void." Man, if only I could remember where I read that.
It's the tenth of may, which means I'm seven days away from graduating. Before you die, you see the ring. And clean your room.
I can't clean/pack my room until I've performed certain craft-based activities. And I really don't want to. I'm tired. I just wanna buy movies and lay around watching them, trying to forget that I'm sick again (this time the bacteria should respond to medication, but I'm learning the meaning of the word 'chronic').
So I laze around. But I should want to do my crafty projects! They involve decoration and gift-giving and practicing how to make welt pockets! Welt pockets are the bomb.
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